Uncalled For Commentary - Trains Being Slightly Late

This month's gimmick is 'Uncalled For Commentary,' where I randomly pick an obscure or unpopular topic, and offer more nonsensical commentary on it then there ever should be.

So you're on a train station, waiting for a train. It's been a while 30 seconds since the train was supposed to be there. Then it appears. “Ah, finally!” you think to yourself. “What a latenik.” WRONG!

This is WRONG! You should be thankful that your train merely arrived at all! It has to deal with some of the worst things known to man!

For starters! Air resistance! That's right! The one force that opposes any and all movement in an airy atmosphere. Train are not exempt! It continually works to slow down trains! They need to use more force to get there! Heck, air resistance is worse among things that travel really fast. So trains have it worse. Especially bullet trains! So be glad your train stood up to this magnanimous force and was the victor.

Next! Bandits! While definitely on a sharp decline since the 20's or whenever it was train robberies were common, they're still out there. Sure they're foiled by the modern train's sheer speed and possible armed staff, but they're still trying. I'm sure there will be numerous reports of train robberies in the future, when these cunning robbers have finally found a way to best even the mighty train. Then you'll be thankful your train even came at all. Heck, you'll be thankful there are even still trains.

Furthermore! Mechanical trouble! Trains may be works of art from an engineering standpoint, but even the best baseball hitter misses two thirds of the time. Hence, why should train fare any better? Plus, with all that training around, from station to station, you'd think something would have to break every now and then. And it will! So does being 30 seconds late seem like an acceptable proposition if HALF THE TRAIN WAS ON FIRE!? I'd say so!

Finally! Philosophy! How is this one bad, you might ask? Say you could eliminate everything in existence just by thinking about eliminating everything in existence. Trains are part of that existence! You'd be getting rid of the trains! There are millions of people out there! At least three of them are continually trying to blanket out existence. Trains have to deal with that! Despite almost being willed out of existence by some bozo, they struggle valiantly against all odds. Thirty seconds is better than NOT AT ALL.

As we can all clearly see, trains face much stress in this modern day and age. Giving them the respect they demand and deserve can prolong your life. CONSIDER THAT!

All views expressed in this “editorial” are not necessarily the views of Connor Smith. I don't know how that works, but just go with it, okay?